WARNING: Very Ranty & Rambly. Also, I win.

Finally, I have internet again! Not without a struggle, much running around with no blood sugar in 30+ degree weather, a roomie's call to tech support, followed by my own. But the universe has spoken - lying salesmen, lazy people, faulty equipment, and the chaos of incompatible technologies is no match for an impatient, cranky woman who needs her internet fix. w00t!

So, recent news - I had a C to visit with for a day and a half. She was in town to see the Moody Blues with me, for she is the only fan I know of outside of my family. Recalling the look on her face the last time they were in Edmonton and I got tickets without mentioning it to anyone, I made sure I phoned her as soon as I learn about it and hooked her into attending months in advance.

But she made me realize all over again how much I miss conversing with people – actually really discussing things. Not that the feeling hadn't been building the past couple of weeks in the company of weird indie gamer people, but I have a comfort level with her that I do with so few other people. Gods, do I miss explorational conversation. I think that's one of the things I miss most about Saskatoon - we had weird rambling conversations like that (possibly in part because there wasn't anything else to do, but still).

I'd also forgotten just how good the company of human beings really is when you share and want the same kind of flow to a discussion/company. I used to be in love with the thought that I didn’t need people the way other people needed people. Then I used to be mortally embarrassed that that wasn’t the case. Now I’m slowly learning to be really proud of the fact that the people that I need near me are of the quality I've been fortunate enough to manage (somehow) to keep close in recent years, instead of just needing people in general. If that makes any sense at all. It’s late.

As for the concert, The Moody Blues was awesome! Even if I didn’t love the feel of the music, or the near-eternal cool of a band who’s been rocking out nearly as long as the Beatles, there are still two things that would have me loving the evening anyways. The fans aren’t there because it’s ‘cool’, or something to do to pass the time, or because you just bought the CD and are curious about what they’re like in concert, or because the lead vocalist is a hot chick. The fans are there because they really, truly love the music, and admire the men who made it. They’re there to witness music they’ve made a part of their lives for years, and for most of the fan base, decades. The feel just walking through the building was almost euphoric because of it. And second, because this is a band who made a life, a living, inspiring people, not just making music successfully for the past 50 years. They are a group whose tone is not one of despair, senselessness, violence, or shock. The only shocking thing is that they touch enough common human emotion while tying it to a message of hope, of transitioning to something better to become or to make the world, without ever outright saying it, and pulling it off gracefully enough to –get the public to buy into it-. They have their sad songs, and by no means does their music avoid the darker, unhappy human emotions. But when they approach them, there is never a confining, fatalistic tone to them – rather a wistful, worn out, or numb approach, and always with the ring afterwards that ‘this is the lowest point, and we will go back up from here’. They are artists and gentlemen in the truest sense of the words, and if I can inspire in even just –one- person what they manage to inspire in their audience during a performance, I will consider all my past history of social pain and awkwardness worth it for such a moment.

Then I had to go back and work a day, and then I got to drag a bunch of Sasktoon geeks out of their caves to come have lunch with me on no notice whatsoever. I couldn't get a hold of a lot of people I wanted to see, but it may be just as well, for I didn't have much time to socialize before heading back. It made me realize just how badly I need to make a Saskatoon trip again, or actually keep in contact with people, or maybe both. S&E were kind enough to let me take up room in their already rather crowded van, for which I am grateful, and to coordinate making sure I got a ride back around having no cell phone (unknowingly left in Edmonton).

Also - got a letter from CT finally! A letter consisting of forgotten and misplaced beginnings to letters from months and months ago all the way ‘til recently. It reminded me again of the conclusion I’ve come to over the past few months. Which is to say, I’ve put so much worry and expectation into my career, when what really bothers me, distracts me, and will have me drop everything are my few people. The few that make it on to the radar of a woman who could have happily been a hermit. I’m tired of seeing them struggle and not being in a position to help them. I’m tired of not being able to make time for them, because I’m too busy trying to get the rest of my life in order so I have energy to start a career. And I’m bloody sick of the extra pressure I put on my not-yet-existant career because I feel I need it to really have a chance to enjoy the people around me.

If I had my way I’d buy a house in Edmonton or S’toon right close to a major area (Broadway/Whyte/University area) and tell the T’s to move in and start their own business already. Between the two of them they’d be fantastic. Or get J&M&S moving on their business idea for Edmonton here, and prod the boys into financing it with me. Really, I know I’m not the supportive friend, or the one you call in the middle of the night crying (even though any of my friends are welcome to, in case they didn’t know it), or the one who calls every day to see how something went. I’m usually not the friend that’s around all the time. I do tend to be the friend who’ll spend an entire weekend helping with someone’s move, or be perfectly okay with babysitting for a weekend and not want anything for it. I’m there when other people can’t or don’t want to be. Partly because I like to feel like people actually want me there, even if there is an ulterior motive like helping them move, because I don’t want to be someone that people go ‘well, I guess I should spend time with __ sometime.’ about. Also largely because I suck at scheduling my life and remembering everything I should be doing (‘cause I’m a procrastinating perfectionist and overload myself). Most of you know this, and (I hope) forgive me for it.

~ahem~ That being said, I expect (and deserve) a overwhelming lack of sympathy, for I do all this to myself. But this is a rant. It doesn't have to have a purpose, necessarily (except maybe work on my 'keeping in touch with people' abilities, which are nearly non-existant).

Less immediate past - the move... well. I had awesome people doing lots to help me, for which I am grateful. I am doubly grateful for the few people who had to deal with extended amounts of my foul mood while being injured and trying to move, for I am not the most pleasant person to deal with when stressed and in pain. Grace = not me. To explain - I fell down a flight of stairs while carry the cats in the carrier - the cats only flipped once, but in not splattering them against the far wall, I royally buggered up my ankle. Beyond that, the day of the move - well, anything that could go wrong, did go wrong. R & I dealt with it with remarkable tenacity, and even managed not to kill each other at various points. Or kill either of the landlord/lady we were dealing with at the time. Many, many stories about the move.

The coming weeks look to be... busy. Little bro visiting the end of this week, so I'm scrambling to get my world/basement set up so he can vacation in relative comfort. The painting of my room so I can put furniture in it seems to be taking up much more effort than I had planned though. I curse whoever invented wallpaper borders, for they're a right pain to remove.

After that, more time needs to be spent on gaming design and job apps, so if anyone wants to see me between now and mid-August, speak now.

That's all I can think of for the moment for updates. I'm sure I'll think of more when my brain is less melted.