It hurts to do up my pants...

I am a sad state of affairs. I ask myself "Why, oh why, do you allow yourself to practice only sporatically, and then play until you bruise your fingers on the strings? WHY?" Because I'm highly distractable, prone to bouts of debilitating self-criticism, and undisciplined. But I *LOVE* my violin! ... although this time, the bruised fingers are actually *visible* (as in purple) not just bone-bruising. I don't think the fingers and the wrist are stellar things to have obtained the day before I'm supposed to be teaching someone to play squash. Nay, in fact, it borders on heinous practice towards my limbs. It may sound sort of wussy, but for anyone who has carpal tunnel, arthritis, or has mashed hands and wrists in a sport - you know the pain.

Sadly, I'll almost certainly be back practicing at some point tonight. Hurrah for masochism!

I suppose I shouldn't blame my on-off affair with violin sheerly on a lack of discipline. I know it comes as least in part from the fact that I'm most motivated during periods where I see the most drastic improvement. Not that that is a revelation of any sort - we're all happiest when we're growing. But I find plateaus especially frustrating, and I have little patience with them, or myself during them, Unless I have someone to push me, I inevitably become mopey and depressed and avoid whatever is causing it. This is probably why I tend to like being around people pushy enough to eventually piss me off - they kick me when I need it, and don't put up with my self-inflicted b.s. Of course, they kick me when I don't need it too, but I'm slowly learning to take that and still maintain long-term friendships with those people.

So, if anyone wants to give me a kick in the rear for any particular thing/in any particular direction, I seem to be in a conducive mood. Not to say I'll follow in the direction of that kick, but I probably won't flip you off for it either.

In other notes, my car requires major brake work done on it (read -$$$), so there will be a distinct lack of partying/travelling/things that require money this month. It's not that I don't love all of you, but that I can't afford to socialize much unless it's free or unless I/someone hosts stuff. Which I'm debating. There may be a random invitation for a day of Brie and Tea again this month.

What else? My little bro and I began the summer long weekends Babylon 5 marathon. I'm going through withdrawal already, and there was only one day of watching. Sad, really. But I likes what I likes. While I was out at my parents for that and car maintenance, R and I started discussing writing, and story ideas. Foolishly, I mentioned an idea I had for a cool style of storytelling/movel writing, and he very much liked the sneakiness that it promoted (nay demanded) from the plot behind a story written like that. So we started tossing back and forth ideas for main characters, and plot, and etc... And once we start writing it, names we will never be able to hear again the same way. Also, massive cases of the creeps. We got the creeps just talking about the characters motivations and psychological quirks. Thus, I believe I have another project, and a co-author. I have way too many freaking projects, and too little wisdom.

And now, the job app marathon begins. Breaks may include food, violins, and cat worship/chin scratching. I promised myself I would make time sometime this week. If I don't treat it as homework (of sorts) it just doesn't get done. Le Sigh.